He really, really liked me…

So.  I got an email from a guy.  Bob.  He wasn't my type visually, but he could write.  His email was charming, funny, irreverent.  His bio too.  So I thought, why not?

We decided to meet for drinks at an outdoor mall, near a fountain.  I was on time.  Impressive.  He was waiting.  Nice.  We decided on a restaurant and cozied up to the bar.  Wine turned into dinner.  The conversation was fun and interesting.  He seemed nice, had a job and I was still at the "who knows?" stage.  So I stayed open. 

About halfway through the evening we started talking about our families.  I was telling a story about my mother when suddenly I noticed…Bob was crying?  I mean, just one tear.  But … wow.  I said, "Are you crying?"  He said, "Yes, but you were too, girl."  I didn't know what to say because A) It was an emotional story, but I absolutely wasn't crying, B) I was just sort of shocked that he was and C) "girl?"  And then I remembered that he'd written he was an empath in his bio…  OH NO.  After a quick moment though, I decided to chalk it up to first date stuff.  Forget the empath bit.  Moving on.  And move we did.  To another bar for another drink and then he walked me to my car.  He quickly pulled out his smart phone and took our picture.  Probably a little soon for a picture, but I take pictures all the time.  So I let it go.

He texted me a little later and said he'd had a fabulous time and wanted to take me out again.  I thought, this could work.  Magic could happen…

The next day he emailed and told me that he'd posted the picture he took of us on his Facebook page.  Argh.  I wrote back and said something non-committal: "Wow, I guess everyone knows you made a new friend."  I was hoping he'd get some sort of tone from that email that I didn't approve.  But let's face it, there is no tone in email.  Dammit.  He responded, "Yea!"  I then wrote and said that I wasn't comfortable having my picture posted on his Facebook page.  That it felt too soon.  Note to self:  I should have said something like this in my first response, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings (oh crap, is this a theme?).  Anyway, we went back and forth about it and he kept explaining why it was OK and that I had nothing to worry about.  That his Facebook page was a very friendly place…  But then I didn't respond to that and he wrote a bit later that he'd taken the picture down.  A couple hours after that he wrote and said he should have asked me before he posted it.  And said he was sorry.

At this point, I'm not sure why, I decided to go out with him again.  Five more times.  There were lots of ridiculous emails, strange behaviors, effort-filled discussions, and uncomfortable exchanges I could recount, but I'll not go into the gory details - what I will tell you about is the end.

You see, Bob's a Life Coach.  And in the end he thought he could tell me my life.  He was one of those people that if you told him something about yourself, something you knew you needed to work on, that you are aware of, he'd use it against you at some point.  Charming.  The gift that keeps on giving.  I told Bob that in the past I'd sort of been attracted to unavailable men.  (FYI:  "sort of" is an understatement.)  Bob was anything but unavailable.  If I didn't write back to his texts or emails, they'd just keep right on coming.  Many times they were signed XO.  It always felt too fast.  Like he didn't know me yet, but that he'd decided on me already.  We were never on the same page, but when I'd mention it (which I did multiple times in an effort to get on the same page), he'd say we were in the exact same place.  That he was just enjoying the "sizzle."  That I was just plain old wrong.  Ok.  Fine.  I'd been wrong before.  I'll be wrong again.  But actually, I wasn't this time.

I had to leave town on business after our last date.  It wasn't a good date.  I knew then that it wasn't going to work.  The date ended with him saying, "And now I'll never see you again."  Perhaps Bob was psychic?  Just before I boarded the plane two days later I got a text from him saying, "Wouldn't it be creepy if I were three rows behind you on the plane trying to convince you that I'm not too into you?"  Yes.  That would be creepy.  The text went on to say: "You've got to stop telling me I'm too into you because it's stressing me out and I don't want to be stressed out."  Ok.  Then why is he texting me this?  And aren't we told to pay attention to behavior?  He'd already said good-bye three times in the last two days!!  I didn't respond.  I actually didn't contact him for days.  I was working my ass off out of the country.  And became completely exhausted.  And then I felt vulnerable and wanted some attention… which lead to an email.  Stupid of me.  Stupid.  Stupid.  Stupid.  People talk about a breathalyzer for drunk dialing, emailing and texting.  I think there should also be a mechanism I can breathe into that tells me I'm about to do something stupid.  That I'll regret.  But there isn't such a device.  And so, I wrote.  And he wrote back.  Three times.  Fuck me.  We decided to go to dinner when I got back.

But when I woke up the day after returning to L.A., I was really sick.  Like no-one-would-want-to-go-to-dinner-with-me-sick.  And I knew it just wasn't going to work.  That I was just not into him.  That I emailed because I was lonely and exhausted.  And now I was back in town and even though I was sick, I simply didn't want to see him.  But I wanted to tell him in person.  It seemed the right thing to do, but I had to cancel our date.  Too sick.  And putting him through another week of waiting to hear that I didn't want to see him anymore, thinking everything seemed fine in the meantime, would have been plain old mean.  So I wrote and said that I had to cancel dinner.  That I was sick.  That I had wanted to see him in person to tell him that it's me, not him, that I wasn't ready to be in something.  That work was all consuming right now and I had to put my focus there, etc., etc.  And was it bullshit?  Yes.  Was I trying to be kind?  Yes.  Did he respond well?  No.  He did not.  I wrote once, he replied three times.  He said that if I was a client of his, he'd tell me to "push through."  PUSH THROUGH?  Eeeeek.  That I had issues with available men and there was something between us.  That I was just "scared."  Well, now I certainly was.  That I was "damaged and if he was shopping, he wouldn't purchase me" (FYI, I'm so NOT for sale).  And then he said, "but hey, I like you.  I'd like to continue seeing you."  Sexy.  I wrote back and said that I wasn't a client of his.  I wasn't telling him his life and I didn't appreciate him telling me mine.  That I found it offensive.  I wished him luck in the future and all the best.  Yes.  I got three more emails back enumerating my flaws, but again suggesting that we keep seeing each other.  Ugh.

I never wrote him again.

And sometimes he still looks at my profile. 

Online dating can be magical.