The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back...

This is a story about Gronk.  It wasn't a first name.  He went by his last.  Exclusively.

I was in a bar, it was late and certainly time to go home.  On my way out the door a good looking guy leaned back, grabbed my arm and said, "Don't leave."  Yeah, he had me at "Don't."  We chatted for a minute through a mutual boozy haze.  He tried to give me his card, my friend demanded that he take my number.  We both obeyed.  In my haziness I suggested he and I catch a movie in the next day or two.  Then I left.

A movie?!  What an idiotic suggestion.  I'm going to go to a movie with a stranger and sit next to him for two hours wondering if I'm even going to like him?  Maybe it doesn't sound weird to you, but to me it sounded like a very, very bad idea.  When he contacted me via text, I suggested a drink instead - at the same place we first met.  It's a casual place.  A bar/restaurant combo that specializes in cheap food and cheap drinks.  Nice!  I said I'd meet him at the bar.  He suggested 7:55PM.  Seriously.  Red flag number one.

In retrospect, perhaps the movie would have been a better idea.

I parked my car at 8:00 (running late, per usual).  At 8:01 I got a text asking if I was still coming.  I texted back, "Minutes away."  Red flag number two.

I arrived and he stood up before I took a step over the threshold.  He'd gotten us a table.  Eeeek.  This meant we'd have to eat dinner.  So if it didn't go well, I was going to be in it for the long haul.

Gronk had already ordered me a drink.  Look, I know this is nice, but it's L.A. and I don't know this guy and he doesn't know me.  Or what I like to drink.  And call me cautious, but I just don't want to gulp down a roofie.  He'd ordered me a sugary, pink drink in a martini glass.  Again, very nice, but I just couldn't.  And I felt rude, but I said, "I'd like to order something else."  He was immediately, immensely hurt.  I reassured him that it was so nice, but I was just in the mood for something more simple.  The waitress appeared and I ordered something very sexy and sophisticated, "Vodka, Diet Coke, please."  And I let her know we didn't need the pink drink, which I think was called a cotton candy something or other.  She went to retrieve the drink but Gronk lunged for it and said he wanted it.  So now he was drinking both a beer and a cotton candy drink.  Red flag number three.

After some very brief initial "normal" conversation, the monologues began.  And they weren't just a never ending string of words, they were actually monologues from movies along with the appropriate accents.  This is when one begins to wonder if they are perhaps being PUNK'D.  Unfortunately, I was not being Punk'd.

So…as the monologues continued, the third round of drinks were ordered - well, third round for me, maybe 6th round for Gronk.  We weren't even through 90 minutes of the date.  He got up to go to the bathroom, stopped, turned and asked, "you're going to be here when I get back, right?"  I said of course.  Off he went.  I immediately felt sorry for him and thought I should stay longer.  Now what flag are we on?  Four?  (Flags for him.  Flags for me.  Hell, now it's a parade.)

We ordered one chicken dish to share.  Gronk kept drinking.  And talking.  I ate.  He went to the bathroom again.  Yes.  I suspect cocaine was being snorted in the bathroom as booze was ingested at the table.  So of course, when at the table, Gronk kept right on talking.

When I was on my way back from the bathroom a little while later, the waitress came by and I ordered a diet coke.  She told me Gronk had just ordered me another drink.  I cancelled the drink.  He arrived back at the table and was hurt by my cancellation.  Yes.  I was now really trying to figure out how to get out of there.  I think we had been on the date for 2 and a half long hours at this point.

As I looked off into the distance trying to figure out how to get out of there, Gronk leaned really far forward and said, "I am the Empire State Building under the table for you right now."  I responded in the only way I could.  I stood up and put on my jacket.  He leaned back shocked.  I thanked him for the evening and said I had to go.  He said, "Did I drink too much?"  I said, "Oh no.  Of course not.  I just have to go." 

I hurried down the street to my car.  Yes.  I looked over my shoulder.  Two or three times.  I never saw, spoke or replied to a text from Gronk again.  He however had a different plan…  And so his texting began.  I have posted a sampling of the texts (29 were sent when all was said and done) below:

1.  "Where did you go, Ms?"  (I've no idea why he called me Ms. - 10:42PM)

2.  "I miss you already."  (10:55PM)

3.  "I wonder where you went?  Sorry if I said the wrong thing cause you are right.  Call me, Ms!"  (11:05PM)

4.  "This place has loaded up with Vixens, but I prefer you, Vixen!"  (11:15PM)

5.  "I'm eating our chicken and crying at the same time."  (11:30PM)

6.  "So you drank too much on the first date, Ms?"  (12:33AM)
7.  "So bad."  (1:46AM)
8.  "What happened, Ms?"  (2:01AM)

9.  "Go fuck yourself, cause I was ready to, Ms!"  (2:41AM)
10.  "Anyway, I like you, Ms."  (3AM)

11.  "What the F?  I bought u drinks and dinner?  Ms!" (3:25AM)
12.  "Used urself heh?  damn you Ms!  I'll think secondly you bad woman!" (3:53AM)

13.  "Fuck you then!"  (4:25AM -  Based on this time stamp, my initial observation that cocaine was involved seems accurate.)



And when the sun came up:

10:16AM  - Text:  "What is your explanation for last night?  I didn't plan to go out, it was only to meet you and you fucking left…without paying that is!  Without any explanation!  Why, Ms?  Why did you do that to me?  I was very nice to you!"

2:00PM
 - Voicemail:  Lots to do with me leaving without paying and that I owe for the bill.



2:03PM - Text:  "You owe for the bill."

8:30PM - Voicemail:  Apologizing profusely.



8:32PM: - Text:  "Ms, I feel terrible about last night.  I hope you listen to my message."

And the next evening at 6:06PM - Text:  "What happened to you Ms?  Do you want to try again without all the heavy drinking?"

Over the next two weeks Gronk called me twice and left two voicemails.  The first time saying that he'd like to see me again.  The second time saying he found my number in his business contacts and couldn't figure out how he knew me and could I call him and let him know. 

I of course did not return either call.

So what does one do after this sort of dating experience?  Internet dating, of course!