There are three basics in online dating: You reject them, they reject you, or you go on a scary blind date…willingly. Easy as 1, 2, 3. And if rejected, one shouldn't take it personally (it's the internet for god's sake, it's not personal). Seriously, these online dating guys don't know who I am after two or three emails and/or a meeting or two. But let's be honest, we frequently take things personally. I have. And unfortunately frequently do.
There are a list of things I'm looking for in a man, but just because I want them, doesn't mean I'll get them. There are guys I've met the old fashioned way and had relationships with that I probably wouldn't have chosen from a picture online, and yet, I fell for them. For a time. Sometimes too long a time, but surely that's a different issue - and a different story.
I went out on a date recently with a yachtsman. Blake. He was nice. We actually chatted over coffee for two hours and 45 minutes, but two hours in, I realized I wasn't interested. How did I know? Thoughts of, "How do I end this? When can I end this?" started rapidly running through my brain. And it had nothing really to do with Blake, he didn't say something rude or outrageous, it was just what was going on between us - or the lack of it. No chemistry.
Eventually the date ended. I think I referenced plans for later in the day and then a bit later that I needed to get moving. But before that, we discussed online etiquette. Subject: When someone contacts you, if you aren't interested, do you write back or not? Blake believes the recipient of his email should absolutely write back. He wants a reply - whether the lady is interested or not. Even if it's through an automated message. By the way, the automated message says something like: so and so isn't interested, their loss, but here are some other possibilities. (Yuck.) Suddenly a software program is my relationship cheerleader?!
Blake found me via the search engine and emailed me. His profile looked good, i.e. he was smart, nice looking, well traveled, wrote well and was…5'7". Hmmm. I'm not tall. At all. But a friend of mine says whenever guys are vertically challenged, they always lie up - especially on dating sites. I think the 5'7" yachtsman was really … 5'5". Maximum. And he was…slight. He told me sometimes he has trouble finding clothes that fit because he's so small. Interesting. But hey, all of these things are completely fine and actually wouldn't matter at all, if there were chemistry. But there wasn't. FYI, you get to put in all sorts of options when you are searching for online love: zip code, distance from where you live, age, relationship status, hair color, astrological sign, height, body type, ethnicity, religion etc., etc., etc. When I search I look for location, age range, picture (they MUST have a picture - I think the guys that don't are cheating. Definitely.) and relationship status - this is key. They cannot be listed as Separated. No way. Got to be Single, Divorced, or Widowed. I'm not here to help you through your divorce. I do not need extra baggage. I've got enough of my own!
When I arrived for the date, Blake was already there. Seated and drinking coffee. I saw him and made my way towards him…he didn't stand to greet me (I like it when they stand). I sat down for a second and said hello. After a moment I took out my wallet and went up to the counter to buy a cup of coffee. After the date, he stood, and it felt like we were the same size. I think we were. It occurs to me now that he might have purposely hid his height from me until the end of the date. Look, we're all self-conscious about stuff (yes, I have a list of things I'm self-conscious about but I'm not going to enumerate here…at least not today), but I don't lie on dating sites. My age is really my age. My pictures are recent and are actually of me. I don't try to sell something I'm not. I feel like that would only end badly. But I get it. Guys want to be big and strong. We like them that way. At least I do.
So the yachtsman and I walked out of the cafe and he said he'd had a good time. I said, "Me too," because it was true. Nice easy conversation. Then he said, "Maybe we can do this again. I can take you to dinner. But if you don't want to, you can tell me now, I won't take it personally." Gulp. I mean, he put himself out there. Impressive. But I must admit, I wasn't cool enough to say no in the moment. So I said yes, got into my car and headed home. I think he would have taken, "No," personally. I would have. Maybe he knew that.
So now I needed to write the dreaded email. And I did. But he beat me to it and wrote saying how much fun he'd had. Shit. I wrote back and said it was fun but that it felt more like a friendship vibe than a romantic vibe. He wrote back and said he totally agreed. Felt the same way. Ok…but hadn't he asked me about going out again? Never mind. Doesn't matter. All good. Let's all save face!
But Blake had got me thinking. So I also wrote back to another guy on the site who had written me previously. When he wrote, I'd read his profile and I wasn't interested. But I didn't write him. I just let it go. And yet, he kept looking at my page. Then he Favorited me (I don't quite understand this aspect of the online dating thing, why would you have favorites while you're looking for the one - unless you want a stable full of ladies?). Then he wrote me again over the holidays and said some very nice things about my profile and mentioned that he'd written to me before. Nudge. So after writing to Blake, I wrote to Raffie and said "Thank you so much, but I don't think we're a match." Rejection doesn't make you feel good. Whether you are the rejector or the rejectee. And actually, both emails made me feel crappy, but better to be honest.
I've definitely had my fair share of rejection. I've emailed people (many) that never replied. I've corresponded with people that seemed interested, suggested meeting and then disappeared. And I went on a couple dates with a guy I really thought was a contender. Both dates were super fun and it all seemed quite promising. This was just before Thanksgiving. During one texting session I told him I was making pumpkin pie and he kept texting that he'd love to taste my pie. (Sorry. That just sounds SO wrong.) He also texted that he’d like to try my Brussels Sprouts as well (stop it). So, so many texts about tasting my food which intimated (to me) that he wanted to see me again. And there was even a follow up after Thanksgiving checking to see how the pie turned out… And then radio silence. I'm not sure why, since I'm not psychic. But there you have it. No one wants to be unkind. No one wants you to feel like crap. Sometimes they just disappear and it doesn't matter why.
Many people say rejection is God's protection. I've been protected a lot in my life. Luckily. So back to the drawing board: to rejecting them, being rejected or going on a blind date willingly. And I've just got to remember not to take any of it personally.
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