Debunking the Chemistry Myth…

If I like a guy, as in, if I'm really attracted to him, then he MUST be attracted to me.  That's the way the universe works, right?!?  No.  It doesn't.  I used to believe this to be an absolute truth.  I'm not sure where that optimism came from.  I realize it's idiotic, yet somehow sweet and naive but admittedly creepy.  I don't believe it anymore.  And haven't for quite some time (maybe two years…tops.  Slow learner).  Of course in my early twenties I thought the only real difference between men and women were their reproductive parts.  Yeah.  I don't believe that anymore either.

I went on a date with Chet last week.  Successful.  Generous.  Kind.  Interesting.  NO CHEMISTRY.

I was early.  AGAIN.  Am I changing?  Or just lucky?  Probably lucky.  Anyway, I cruised into the Moroccan themed bar and ordered a ridiculous drink.  Headache in my future.

I texted Chet that I was seated directly across from the entrance.  White sweater.  Then I just sipped my drink, answered work emails and didn't get nervous about waiting for my date and whether I'd recognize him.  Nice.  Being early just might have it's perks.  AKA Control.

While typing on my iPhone a head suddenly appeared in my peripheral vision.  "Hello!"  I look up, smile and dammit, it's a 'No.'  I don't usually know that quickly.  But I did.  In an instant.  I'm not even sure I can explain why.  It wasn't a looks thing, there was just no zing.  And then he sat down and there wasn't one moment in the next three hours when I felt any differently.  Yes.  Three hours again.  How do you leave?

We had good conversations.  About travel, real estate, our jobs - his was very interesting.  He started reaching out and touching my arm for emphasis.   He's not feeling what I'm feeling.  He's feeling chemistry.  Oh crap.  He also gave me some 'High Tens" - what's up with that on a date?  It's not a sporting event…oh wait…maybe it is.

As the evening continued, we started talking relationship stuff and online dating.  Chet said that you know within five minutes of meeting someone if you have mutual chemistry and smiled knowingly and touched my arm again.  He doesn't realize this isn't mutual.  He's in it alone.  I immediately divide half my brain.  One half is listening to what he's saying and the other half is wondering how long I've been on the date and how I can I end it in a nice way.  I'd been yawning, but hiding it, but suddenly I yawed outright.  "Oh, I'm sorry," I said.  "I'm so tired.  I don't know why."  He said, "Don't worry, you've only yawned once."  I said, "I yawned earlier, as well."   He suggested that I get another drink.  So hinting was not successful.  Then he told me about a date he'd had the night before.  He met a woman who was nice, but he said to me, "You know, you just know.  I bought her a drink and then an hour in I just said (he slapped his hand on the bar for emphasis), I've gotta go.  We'll be in touch."  Wow.  Maybe I could learn something from Chet.  Although that seems harsh.  I wonder if she's still waiting for him to call?

I drank my second umbrella-garnished beverage quickly.  As we were finally leaving I kissed his cheek so that he wouldn't move in for a real kiss.  Then he said, "We'll do something next week, yes?  I'll call."  I smiled, and nodded. 

I called four girlfriends on the drive home…and only got answering machines.  I left some ridiculous messages and I probably sounded like I was on cocaine, not wine.  I'm not sure why I was so panicked, but I was.  I suppose it's the combination of not meeting the right guy, continuing to meet the wrong one and feeling trapped on the dates - even if the guys are nice.  My herbalist once said to me, "You only need one, right?"  Yes, I only need one, but where the hell is he?

When someone else is excited and full of possibility and they look at you, eyes wide and full of hope and you don't feel that rush in return, how do you manage that?  And in retrospect, how many times have I done this?  Countless, I'm sure.  How many men must I have sent screaming into the night over the years, calling their friends in a panic?  Yikes.  And let's be honest.  I'm just not good at this.  I have a friend whose brother told her after a major break-up that she had to go on 30 dates in 30 days.  She went on 28.  Now she's good at this. 

The date with Chet was on a Wednesday.  By Sunday night I'd not heard a peep from him.  Maybe he wasn't interested.  Phew. Good news.  Maybe I was wrong.  Maybe he didn't feel any chemistry…and then he called.  I let it go to voice mail.  I waited about 90 minutes before listening to it.  Just feeling generally shitty.  The message was nice and he wondered what my week ahead looked like and said he hoped I'd had a nice weekend.  I emailed back a couple hours later and said what I've said before, that it feels more like a friend vibe than a romantic one and wished him luck on the site.

It's important to reiterate:  A)  I'm paying to do this and B) There's no explaining chemistry.