In my 30s, it was common practice for me to date men that were 10 to 15 years younger than me. Don't even think the word Cougar. DON'T. It's just, well, men in their 40s seemed dusty (yes, this means they had opinions and life experience which perhaps made them less easy to, I don't know, control?). I know it's jacked up, it's just the way I was. Please note the WAS. I now say my cut-off is 39. But I'm really looking for someone in their 40's. However, just recently, I went on a date with a 50-year-old. I'm so mature! I've changed.
Matthew (50) and I (45) met on Match. After two incredibly brief email exchanges, he contacted me on a Saturday night (me, post work-out, in sweats, on the sofa eating dinner) and said he was trapped at a family function and could I save him. We decided to meet for a drink at a luxury hotel downtown.
It took me 18 minutes to shower, get ready and get out of the house. Not bad. There's really no excuse for me to EVER be late. I need to make a note of it.
I walked into the almost empty hotel bar and saw a guy that I thought kind of resembled Matthew's photo, except I wasn't at all sure and his hair was completely grey. Matthew was salt and pepper in his profile. He was dressed really well and sipping a martini. Now I need to mention that I'm horrible at recognizing people. Even if I've met them multiple times. I'm famous for it…and not in a good way. So I boldly walked up to the man smiled and asked, "Hi, are you Matthew?" He said, "Yes." Then immediately, "Actually, no." I'm sure my eyes went wide. "No?" He said, "No, I'm not him." I said, "Well I wonder how often that happens?" I felt like an absolute idiot and turned to walk away. Then he said, "Of course I'm Matthew." Oh, no. A joker. I wasn't amused, but smiled and sat down.
Once the date started I learned that Matthew was a fast talker, like I am. He was relaxed, curious and nice. So away the conversation went. And I thought I might be feeling a little bit of chemistry (hopefully not just because he threw me off balance upon my arrival). But basically I'm thinking it's going pretty well. The only negative so far is that his picture wasn't current on Match and that he did the joke thing. We end up ordering appetizers. It's all light and fast and fun. A couple hours later the bar now resembles a club. It's packed. The music is loud. Yep. It's Saturday night. And it's ON!
Matthew leans towards me and says, "Should we kiss?" You know what? Every guy should ask this. You know why? Because when it's irritating, you immediately knows it's the wrong guy. But when he asks and you think "YES!"…Bingo! It's a quick litmus test. My reaction was…why the fuck is he asking me this? He should just kiss me. But I wouldn't have liked it. Because I didn't want to kiss him. But of course we kissed. His tongue was like an angry, pointy rock.
Anyway, so now we've kissed. It wasn't great, but still, he's been really nice and we've been having fun. And sometimes first kisses go awry and… We keep chatting. A woman walks up to our table, he introduces me, they chat for a second and then she leaves. He tells me she's one of his closest friends. Ten minutes later another woman appears. At first I thought it was the same woman, but I was wrong. Matthew stands immediately. They talk for a bit. He doesn't introduce me. Hmmmmmmm. He sits back down. Its quiet for a second and then he says, "We have to leave." Yeah. This is a first for me. But he's urgent and I say, "Ok, fine." I grab my purse and jacket and we walk out of the hotel. He says, "Can we walk for a second?" He seems really distressed. So we walk. And he explains. He tells me that he's in love with her. That they dated and he's not over her. Oh. Yikes. I mean, shit happens and people try to get on with their lives. They date and meet new people and hope to get over the people they're not over. We've all been there. And you just hope you won't run into them when you're on a date with someone new, or you hope that you do, who knows? It's dating. So we talk and walk until we get back to valet. He generously pays and tips. And just before my car arrives he turns me towards him, gazes into my eyes, grazes my breast with his hand and tries to kiss me. Seriously?! I said, "Yeah, no. You don't get to do that. Do you remember the conversation we just had?" He sort of smiled and was embarrassed. Suddenly he seemed about 25. Ah heartbreak. Such an equalizer. And such a bummer.
He called me on my way home and thanked me. He said I was very sweet. Very nice.
About a week later he called me when he saw me online. He asked if I'd been on any dates lately. I said, "Not since my date with you." He said, "No, you're supposed to tell me about the date. About the guy." I said, "It was a really nice date. A really good guy, but he's not over his last girlfriend." In a final effort he asked me to go to a concert in Vegas with him that weekend. That's quite an effort. But I declined. Sweet guy. I hope he gets back together with her or over her. Whichever is best. But for me it's…NEXT!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back...
This is a story about Gronk. It wasn't a first name. He went by his last. Exclusively.
I was in a bar, it was late and certainly time to go home. On my way out the door a good looking guy leaned back, grabbed my arm and said, "Don't leave." Yeah, he had me at "Don't." We chatted for a minute through a mutual boozy haze. He tried to give me his card, my friend demanded that he take my number. We both obeyed. In my haziness I suggested he and I catch a movie in the next day or two. Then I left.
A movie?! What an idiotic suggestion. I'm going to go to a movie with a stranger and sit next to him for two hours wondering if I'm even going to like him? Maybe it doesn't sound weird to you, but to me it sounded like a very, very bad idea. When he contacted me via text, I suggested a drink instead - at the same place we first met. It's a casual place. A bar/restaurant combo that specializes in cheap food and cheap drinks. Nice! I said I'd meet him at the bar. He suggested 7:55PM. Seriously. Red flag number one.
In retrospect, perhaps the movie would have been a better idea.
I parked my car at 8:00 (running late, per usual). At 8:01 I got a text asking if I was still coming. I texted back, "Minutes away." Red flag number two.
I arrived and he stood up before I took a step over the threshold. He'd gotten us a table. Eeeek. This meant we'd have to eat dinner. So if it didn't go well, I was going to be in it for the long haul.
Gronk had already ordered me a drink. Look, I know this is nice, but it's L.A. and I don't know this guy and he doesn't know me. Or what I like to drink. And call me cautious, but I just don't want to gulp down a roofie. He'd ordered me a sugary, pink drink in a martini glass. Again, very nice, but I just couldn't. And I felt rude, but I said, "I'd like to order something else." He was immediately, immensely hurt. I reassured him that it was so nice, but I was just in the mood for something more simple. The waitress appeared and I ordered something very sexy and sophisticated, "Vodka, Diet Coke, please." And I let her know we didn't need the pink drink, which I think was called a cotton candy something or other. She went to retrieve the drink but Gronk lunged for it and said he wanted it. So now he was drinking both a beer and a cotton candy drink. Red flag number three.
After some very brief initial "normal" conversation, the monologues began. And they weren't just a never ending string of words, they were actually monologues from movies along with the appropriate accents. This is when one begins to wonder if they are perhaps being PUNK'D. Unfortunately, I was not being Punk'd.
So…as the monologues continued, the third round of drinks were ordered - well, third round for me, maybe 6th round for Gronk. We weren't even through 90 minutes of the date. He got up to go to the bathroom, stopped, turned and asked, "you're going to be here when I get back, right?" I said of course. Off he went. I immediately felt sorry for him and thought I should stay longer. Now what flag are we on? Four? (Flags for him. Flags for me. Hell, now it's a parade.)
We ordered one chicken dish to share. Gronk kept drinking. And talking. I ate. He went to the bathroom again. Yes. I suspect cocaine was being snorted in the bathroom as booze was ingested at the table. So of course, when at the table, Gronk kept right on talking.
When I was on my way back from the bathroom a little while later, the waitress came by and I ordered a diet coke. She told me Gronk had just ordered me another drink. I cancelled the drink. He arrived back at the table and was hurt by my cancellation. Yes. I was now really trying to figure out how to get out of there. I think we had been on the date for 2 and a half long hours at this point.
As I looked off into the distance trying to figure out how to get out of there, Gronk leaned really far forward and said, "I am the Empire State Building under the table for you right now." I responded in the only way I could. I stood up and put on my jacket. He leaned back shocked. I thanked him for the evening and said I had to go. He said, "Did I drink too much?" I said, "Oh no. Of course not. I just have to go."
I hurried down the street to my car. Yes. I looked over my shoulder. Two or three times. I never saw, spoke or replied to a text from Gronk again. He however had a different plan… And so his texting began. I have posted a sampling of the texts (29 were sent when all was said and done) below:
1. "Where did you go, Ms?" (I've no idea why he called me Ms. - 10:42PM)
2. "I miss you already." (10:55PM)
3. "I wonder where you went? Sorry if I said the wrong thing cause you are right. Call me, Ms!" (11:05PM)
4. "This place has loaded up with Vixens, but I prefer you, Vixen!" (11:15PM)
5. "I'm eating our chicken and crying at the same time." (11:30PM)
6. "So you drank too much on the first date, Ms?" (12:33AM)
7. "So bad." (1:46AM)
8. "What happened, Ms?" (2:01AM)
9. "Go fuck yourself, cause I was ready to, Ms!" (2:41AM)
10. "Anyway, I like you, Ms." (3AM)
11. "What the F? I bought u drinks and dinner? Ms!" (3:25AM)
12. "Used urself heh? damn you Ms! I'll think secondly you bad woman!" (3:53AM)
13. "Fuck you then!" (4:25AM - Based on this time stamp, my initial observation that cocaine was involved seems accurate.)
And when the sun came up:
10:16AM - Text: "What is your explanation for last night? I didn't plan to go out, it was only to meet you and you fucking left…without paying that is! Without any explanation! Why, Ms? Why did you do that to me? I was very nice to you!"
2:00PM - Voicemail: Lots to do with me leaving without paying and that I owe for the bill.
2:03PM - Text: "You owe for the bill."
8:30PM - Voicemail: Apologizing profusely.
8:32PM: - Text: "Ms, I feel terrible about last night. I hope you listen to my message."
And the next evening at 6:06PM - Text: "What happened to you Ms? Do you want to try again without all the heavy drinking?"
Over the next two weeks Gronk called me twice and left two voicemails. The first time saying that he'd like to see me again. The second time saying he found my number in his business contacts and couldn't figure out how he knew me and could I call him and let him know.
I of course did not return either call.
So what does one do after this sort of dating experience? Internet dating, of course!
I was in a bar, it was late and certainly time to go home. On my way out the door a good looking guy leaned back, grabbed my arm and said, "Don't leave." Yeah, he had me at "Don't." We chatted for a minute through a mutual boozy haze. He tried to give me his card, my friend demanded that he take my number. We both obeyed. In my haziness I suggested he and I catch a movie in the next day or two. Then I left.
A movie?! What an idiotic suggestion. I'm going to go to a movie with a stranger and sit next to him for two hours wondering if I'm even going to like him? Maybe it doesn't sound weird to you, but to me it sounded like a very, very bad idea. When he contacted me via text, I suggested a drink instead - at the same place we first met. It's a casual place. A bar/restaurant combo that specializes in cheap food and cheap drinks. Nice! I said I'd meet him at the bar. He suggested 7:55PM. Seriously. Red flag number one.
In retrospect, perhaps the movie would have been a better idea.
I parked my car at 8:00 (running late, per usual). At 8:01 I got a text asking if I was still coming. I texted back, "Minutes away." Red flag number two.
I arrived and he stood up before I took a step over the threshold. He'd gotten us a table. Eeeek. This meant we'd have to eat dinner. So if it didn't go well, I was going to be in it for the long haul.
Gronk had already ordered me a drink. Look, I know this is nice, but it's L.A. and I don't know this guy and he doesn't know me. Or what I like to drink. And call me cautious, but I just don't want to gulp down a roofie. He'd ordered me a sugary, pink drink in a martini glass. Again, very nice, but I just couldn't. And I felt rude, but I said, "I'd like to order something else." He was immediately, immensely hurt. I reassured him that it was so nice, but I was just in the mood for something more simple. The waitress appeared and I ordered something very sexy and sophisticated, "Vodka, Diet Coke, please." And I let her know we didn't need the pink drink, which I think was called a cotton candy something or other. She went to retrieve the drink but Gronk lunged for it and said he wanted it. So now he was drinking both a beer and a cotton candy drink. Red flag number three.
After some very brief initial "normal" conversation, the monologues began. And they weren't just a never ending string of words, they were actually monologues from movies along with the appropriate accents. This is when one begins to wonder if they are perhaps being PUNK'D. Unfortunately, I was not being Punk'd.
So…as the monologues continued, the third round of drinks were ordered - well, third round for me, maybe 6th round for Gronk. We weren't even through 90 minutes of the date. He got up to go to the bathroom, stopped, turned and asked, "you're going to be here when I get back, right?" I said of course. Off he went. I immediately felt sorry for him and thought I should stay longer. Now what flag are we on? Four? (Flags for him. Flags for me. Hell, now it's a parade.)
We ordered one chicken dish to share. Gronk kept drinking. And talking. I ate. He went to the bathroom again. Yes. I suspect cocaine was being snorted in the bathroom as booze was ingested at the table. So of course, when at the table, Gronk kept right on talking.
When I was on my way back from the bathroom a little while later, the waitress came by and I ordered a diet coke. She told me Gronk had just ordered me another drink. I cancelled the drink. He arrived back at the table and was hurt by my cancellation. Yes. I was now really trying to figure out how to get out of there. I think we had been on the date for 2 and a half long hours at this point.
As I looked off into the distance trying to figure out how to get out of there, Gronk leaned really far forward and said, "I am the Empire State Building under the table for you right now." I responded in the only way I could. I stood up and put on my jacket. He leaned back shocked. I thanked him for the evening and said I had to go. He said, "Did I drink too much?" I said, "Oh no. Of course not. I just have to go."
I hurried down the street to my car. Yes. I looked over my shoulder. Two or three times. I never saw, spoke or replied to a text from Gronk again. He however had a different plan… And so his texting began. I have posted a sampling of the texts (29 were sent when all was said and done) below:
1. "Where did you go, Ms?" (I've no idea why he called me Ms. - 10:42PM)
2. "I miss you already." (10:55PM)
3. "I wonder where you went? Sorry if I said the wrong thing cause you are right. Call me, Ms!" (11:05PM)
4. "This place has loaded up with Vixens, but I prefer you, Vixen!" (11:15PM)
5. "I'm eating our chicken and crying at the same time." (11:30PM)
6. "So you drank too much on the first date, Ms?" (12:33AM)
7. "So bad." (1:46AM)
8. "What happened, Ms?" (2:01AM)
9. "Go fuck yourself, cause I was ready to, Ms!" (2:41AM)
10. "Anyway, I like you, Ms." (3AM)
11. "What the F? I bought u drinks and dinner? Ms!" (3:25AM)
12. "Used urself heh? damn you Ms! I'll think secondly you bad woman!" (3:53AM)
13. "Fuck you then!" (4:25AM - Based on this time stamp, my initial observation that cocaine was involved seems accurate.)
And when the sun came up:
10:16AM - Text: "What is your explanation for last night? I didn't plan to go out, it was only to meet you and you fucking left…without paying that is! Without any explanation! Why, Ms? Why did you do that to me? I was very nice to you!"
2:00PM - Voicemail: Lots to do with me leaving without paying and that I owe for the bill.
2:03PM - Text: "You owe for the bill."
8:30PM - Voicemail: Apologizing profusely.
8:32PM: - Text: "Ms, I feel terrible about last night. I hope you listen to my message."
And the next evening at 6:06PM - Text: "What happened to you Ms? Do you want to try again without all the heavy drinking?"
Over the next two weeks Gronk called me twice and left two voicemails. The first time saying that he'd like to see me again. The second time saying he found my number in his business contacts and couldn't figure out how he knew me and could I call him and let him know.
I of course did not return either call.
So what does one do after this sort of dating experience? Internet dating, of course!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
1st Internet Date...Ever
Everyone's doing it. So I am too. No, I'm not talking about blogging, I'm talking about online dating. I fought it. I wanted to meet a guy in a bar as god intended (this is a stolen line, but I don't know who to attribute it to). But it wasn't happening…the meeting the guy in the bar. So…
First I tried Nerve. An ex-boyfriend of mine had success with this site, so I thought I'd give it a try. The first guy I met, we'll call him Benny, was odd. After emailing for a bit, we moved to the next level and spoke on the phone. The first hour of conversation (yes, that's a long time) he kept making references that were really odd: That I hadn't mentioned having a dog (it was on my profile page), or he would start a story and stop and say, "but I told you that already" (we hadn't done THAT much emailing). But I stayed on the phone because it was kind of fascinating. Then we were suddenly discussing how one decides whether to contact someone or not. What is it on the person's profile that makes you wink, email or navigate away? Benny noted that sometimes everything looks great, but just one little thing makes you say NO. He said, "take for example the picture of you in the skirt all scrunched down in a chair, that could have made me navigate away." At this moment I realized that for the past hour, Benny thought he'd been talking to someone else. Not to me. No picture of me in a chair is on my profile. I certainly would NOT post a picture of me "scrunched down in a chair." So I swallowed my laughter and explained that I wasn't who he thought I was. He didn't understand. I said, there is no such picture on my profile. He said I was wrong. That I couldn't see the picture correctly because of how I was viewing it. (A picture I uploaded to the site? I couldn't see it properly?) I insisted and finally convinced him to look at my profile page. Of course he had to get off the phone and check through his iPhone - Benny doesn't pay for internet at home. He said that he's just online all day wasting his time and not writing if he has access at home… Anyway, I was sure he wouldn't call back. But he did. He admitted that he had thought he was talking to someone he went on one date with. And then he was a completely different person for the second hour. I guess he really didn't like the other woman. So why he was spending time on the phone with "her" if he didn't like her? I have no idea.
So after this inauspicious start, we decided to meet for sushi.
All through dinner I kept thinking, "could I be interested in this guy?" "Stay open." At the end of dinner and many a far-out and strange story (it seems that he'd had a massage earlier that day and half way through the session the massuse was on the table he was massaging her?) Benny said, "I'm not really in a place in my life where I can consider being in a relationship." I said, "It's strange that you're on a dating site then." He said he was lonely. Which I understand. But it's weird false advertising. His page said he was looking for a short term or long term relationship. We split the bill. I insisted. He walked me to my car and then tried to linger and kiss me, but I dashed away because someone was waiting for my parking space (thank god).
1st internet date over. Would there be more? Oh yes, there would be … more. But never with Benny. The last I heard from him was an email after that first and last date asking for the contact information of my herbalist.
First I tried Nerve. An ex-boyfriend of mine had success with this site, so I thought I'd give it a try. The first guy I met, we'll call him Benny, was odd. After emailing for a bit, we moved to the next level and spoke on the phone. The first hour of conversation (yes, that's a long time) he kept making references that were really odd: That I hadn't mentioned having a dog (it was on my profile page), or he would start a story and stop and say, "but I told you that already" (we hadn't done THAT much emailing). But I stayed on the phone because it was kind of fascinating. Then we were suddenly discussing how one decides whether to contact someone or not. What is it on the person's profile that makes you wink, email or navigate away? Benny noted that sometimes everything looks great, but just one little thing makes you say NO. He said, "take for example the picture of you in the skirt all scrunched down in a chair, that could have made me navigate away." At this moment I realized that for the past hour, Benny thought he'd been talking to someone else. Not to me. No picture of me in a chair is on my profile. I certainly would NOT post a picture of me "scrunched down in a chair." So I swallowed my laughter and explained that I wasn't who he thought I was. He didn't understand. I said, there is no such picture on my profile. He said I was wrong. That I couldn't see the picture correctly because of how I was viewing it. (A picture I uploaded to the site? I couldn't see it properly?) I insisted and finally convinced him to look at my profile page. Of course he had to get off the phone and check through his iPhone - Benny doesn't pay for internet at home. He said that he's just online all day wasting his time and not writing if he has access at home… Anyway, I was sure he wouldn't call back. But he did. He admitted that he had thought he was talking to someone he went on one date with. And then he was a completely different person for the second hour. I guess he really didn't like the other woman. So why he was spending time on the phone with "her" if he didn't like her? I have no idea.
So after this inauspicious start, we decided to meet for sushi.
All through dinner I kept thinking, "could I be interested in this guy?" "Stay open." At the end of dinner and many a far-out and strange story (it seems that he'd had a massage earlier that day and half way through the session the massuse was on the table he was massaging her?) Benny said, "I'm not really in a place in my life where I can consider being in a relationship." I said, "It's strange that you're on a dating site then." He said he was lonely. Which I understand. But it's weird false advertising. His page said he was looking for a short term or long term relationship. We split the bill. I insisted. He walked me to my car and then tried to linger and kiss me, but I dashed away because someone was waiting for my parking space (thank god).
1st internet date over. Would there be more? Oh yes, there would be … more. But never with Benny. The last I heard from him was an email after that first and last date asking for the contact information of my herbalist.
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